Belated New Years Posted: 20 Jan 2010 08:34
Tags: plans self-indulgence
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This is an introspective cathartic post, if that’s not what you’re here for, move along. If you want some insight into what makes me tick, here you go.

You’re probably not surprised I have father issues

So I was watching the show Brothers & Sisters the other night. During one of the famous Walker family dinners (the drama is so cringingly uncomfortable it becomes comedy to me) I thought to myself, “is this how families are supposed to function?” Everyone in this fictional family lays their feelings out there, goes a little crazy, then they’re closer for it in the end. Mine was never like that.

My Dad always reacted to confrontation like it was a threat. You didn’t question him, because you knew it would just piss him off. So I grew up keeping quiet and internalizing huge parts of myself. It worked, I survived my teenage years. But these days I wish I grew up in a family that bickered and got over it like I see on TV. It’s been very hard to unlearn my closed off, non confrontational ways.

Resolutions

What I resolved for myself this year was bigger and more general than lose weight. That’s just part of it. I’m pushing harder toward a goal of being an authentic, transparent person, even if it means making myself uncomfortable. I’m constantly trying to be less rigid, more open, and most importantly, no longer living a life based on self denial. This has pretty severely exposed that I don’t know how to be that person. Hopefully I can learn to express myself without it being so forced, and get past my old ways.

This process involves me being honest with myself, it has me confronting the things I’m not happy with in my life and trying (but not always succeeding) to attack them head on.

A list

One of my friends just posted a things to do before I’m 30 list. I’ll be 30 this year, so same concept, different timeframe.

  • Already somewhat stated, but I want to lose an average of 4 pounds a month by August
  • I want to work toward being able to make a clean exit from my current job.
  • I want to have a more casual relationship with some of my friends out here. I had a quasi family with my roommate and his younger brother who we took care of before I moved out to Phoenix. I wouldn’t give up the fact that I’m out a lot more these days, but when I’m not out I’m more or less alone, and it feels empty by comparison. I miss cooking for people. I miss hanging out just because, no plans, no event behind it.
  • I want to write a complete and functioning program
  • I want to reinvent my currently lazy style
  • I want to watch less TV and play more games
  • I want to try one new restaurant minimum a month
  • I want to perfect at least two more dishes at least to the level of my chicken tacos and fettucini alfredo
  • I want to find “my drink” so I’m not so out of my element at bars.
  • (optional) I want to fall in love. I’m tired of being single. I crush pretty hard (yes there’s someone right now) but it’s never with someone capable of reciprocating. I’d like that to change.
  • I finally think of Phoenix as home. I want to act like it, get involved more.
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